I Still Miss You

I wrote this letter together with my I Miss You entry. Just decided to post it on my lolo's death anniversary.


Dear Tay,

I haven't had the chance to really talk to you before and I totally regret it. I thought I didn't have anything to say, but I was wrong. If only I could turn back time, I'd definitely do things differently.

I wanted to thank you for everything. You didn't say much but I know you really cared for me. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you for that. When you learned about me having a boyfriend then, I knew you'd be disappointed. You even told me I was still young too have one. I remember that day, you really got angry. I know you were just being protective and I'm so sorry that I ignored everything you said. I know I was being selfish but thank you for caring so much. When I got to visit you last January 07, you started asking questions about him. To be honest, I was surprised. You really wanted to know things about him. I even remember you giving me advices. I was very happy that time. Coz for me, it meant that you already accepted him. You really were the best, Tay. For a grandfather-granddaughter relationship, we didn't do so bad.

I know you wanted to go back to the Philippines for the longest time. And I actually felt honored that I got to fly with you for the last time. I know it was not a pleasant travel for you. You had to go back and forth the lavatory like every hour, and we both know how hard it was for you to move around. But I was really happy I was there with you and Nanay to help. The lady sitting next to me on the plane woke me up twice when he saw you standing up heading for the lavatory. She was very kind and considerate.

I'm sorry if I was not able to visit you asap when you got hospitalized. I was busy with my reviews for the boards and my IELTS. I know it isn't an excuse. I'm really sorry. I never thought it would end like that. But at that time, I was kind of relieved because you were not alone. Everybody was there with you. When you were still in Paete Hospital, Tita Bren told me that you were asking about me and G. You were that concern, huh? Hay, my parents won't even ask me how he was doing. Well, they did a few times. I guess, now I know why. At that time I wished that they had an understanding about life just the way you did. Most of the time they're just close-minded.

Tay, I miss you so much. You know, I cry everytime I think of you, especially when I remember the time when I got to visit you for the first and last time in the hospital. I just can't forget that day. I just finished my speaking exam the day before I came to visit. I headed straight to Laguna the very next day. When I got there, they said you were still unconscious. But when I held your hand and started talking to you, you held mine tighter. You were intubated but I know you were trying to talk to me. I heard you mumbling but I didn't understand what you were trying to say. Then I saw tears from your eyes and I lost myself. How I wish we were able to talk for the last time. I have so much to tell you but I didn't have a chance. I should have been there for you from the beginning. I'm really, really sorry that I only got to visit you once. I greatly regret it. Anyway, were you waiting for me before you decided to go? It was really weird because, I spent that night in the hospital with Nanay, while Mama and Tita Bren went to NKI. Then, in less than 24 hours you were gone. I'd really hate myself if the answer was yes. I should have visited you earlier and a lot more times. If you were only waiting for me, I could have shortened your suffering. Not that I want you to leave coz I know you'll be in a much happier and peaceful place.

I love you and I miss you!


Your granddaughter,
Jaro

Mood:


*Photo by: MY ARTFUL LIFE