I Miss You

I can't sleep last night. Actually, for the last couple of days, I had a hard time sleeping. But last night was bad. It was already past midnight and my two very "considerate" sisters would not cooperate. They were on the top floor and I could hear them talking loudly all the way to my room. Therese's room is just above mine, and I could even hear their movements. It was as if they were dancing around or moving damn furnitures. I called their attention and at last it was peaceful. But my night did not end there.

As I was trying to go back to sleep, I suddenly thought of my grandfather, my mom's dad. I don't know why but he suddenly popped into my head. Anyway, my lolo passed away last May 29 at the age of 92. Yes, he lived a long, beautiful life. But every time I think about the last time I spent with him, I just can't help but cry. It never fails. My lolo and I were not really close as you might suspect, but my memories of him are just too strong to handle. I spent most of my years not seeing my grandparents, unless they come and visit the Philippines. You see, they were living with my aunt in California since 1991, when I was only 7 years old. But I got to see them every few years, so it wasn't that bad.

So last night, as I was thinking about him, tears started to pour down my face. I was wailing. It was that bad. I really get emotional when I think/talk about him. Even as I am writing this blog, I just can't help but be teary and sad.

I spent the whole night reminiscing about my last few months with my grandfather, and I ended up sleeping around 5 am this morning. It was a bad timing that I had to wake up early today to hear mass. My eyes were all puffy and heavy.

I have to warn you, this entry will be lengthy. I just want to share to everyone my memorable days with my grandfather.

When I was in California with my grandparents last January 07, my lolo really wanted to go back to the Philippines for good. He was 91 that time and he wanted to spend his remaining days in his real home. I know for a fact that he was bored with his life in the United States. He was always at home doing the same routine every single day. So, last March 07, my grandparents were able to go back, but the plan about leaving the States for good was still uncertain then. The day they left California was the day of my NCLEX. My examination was in the morning and the flight was in the evening. I actually came home with them because I had to take the local board again.

I know my lolo was very happy to be back in the province. Though he could not move around by himself anymore and do different activities, but the fact that he was back to his own town, where he had treasured memories, was enough for him to be contented. Well all know that there's really no place like home. Such a cliche, but still true.

Last May 11 was my lolo‘s 92nd birthday, his last birthday. The whole family decided to throw a big birthday gathering for him at his hometown in Pakil, Laguna. That day was a blast. A lot of people came over. From morning until late night, the house was packed. His former students, co-teachers, band mates, friends, neighbors and others came to greet him a happy birthday. Yes, he was a teacher. He was also in a member of the town’s band. He also became a councilor, even defeating the running Mayor that time with his number of votes. The people loved and respected him. After his term, he wanted to run for Mayor, but the family thought it was not a good idea. I guess it was dangerous that time, I'm not sure. His birthday lasted for two days, coz the following day after his real birthday, there were still a lot of people who visited.

My lolo was a great person. Definitely a family man. A strict but loving father and grandfather to his children and granchildren. He was a kind and generous man. When I was a kid, he'd always give me money if I ask him some. He was never selfish. Being on time was very important to him. He was always punctual. When ever we had to go somewhere the next day, he'd prepare his clothes the night before and be ready before anyone else the following day. Sometimes we joke around telling him that he was too excited, but he’s been like that ever since. He never fails so say thank you to people, even for small things like when you open the door for him or hand him his eyeglasses or help him get up from the bed/chair. Those little things that people do for him, he sincerely appreciated them of all. He returns the favor by simply saying thank you. It's not much but when you say what you mean, that's something right? At the same time, I admire his self-control. He was really a disciplined man. Before, when we had lunch or dinner, he’d stop himself from eating too much even if like the dish. And how he resists smoking and drinking even if it was his vice.

Moving on, five days after his birthday, he started to have diarrhea episodes and was brought to the provincial hospital. The day he started to have diarrheas, I had to leave for Manila because of my review classes. My mom and my other sisters were supposed to come with me, but because of what happened, they decided to stay. Only my youngest sister and I went back to Manila then. Anyway, after staying for about a week in the hospital, my lolo was about to be discharged, when suddenly, he started having breathing problems. Back in the States, I learned that he had chronic emphysema from smoking. When he was diagnose with emphysema, that was the only time he stopped smoking. So there, his condition got worse. He became unconscious and was then transferred to a bigger hospital in Sta. Cruz, Laguna.

I was not able to visit him until the 28th of May. Other than my daily review classes, I had my IELTS exam on the 24th and the 25th, while during the weekend, the 26th and 27th of May, I was in school for the mock exams for the boards. So, after all those tiring review and examinations, I was able to visit my lolo for the first time. I know, I was a horrible granddaughter. I really regret not being able to visit him often that time, and I still regret it.

So there I was, in the ICU staring at my lolo, who just seemed to be sleeping. I just can’t help but felt so sorry for him. He was on life support and he looked tired. I held his hand and started talking to him. He responded by giving my hand a squeeze. He started to move and mumble, but I could understand him. He was intubated, therefore he cannot talk. But I was surprised that he was able to do all those things because from what my family told me, he was still unconscious. Then, I noticed tears from the corner of his eyes and I just can‘t hold back my tears anymore. Those few minutes of my life will definitely be treasured. That’s definitely the most memorable time of my life. Ever since Tatay passed away, and every time I remember that incident, I always feel depressed and eventually I ended up crying my eyes out.

I spent the night at the hospital that day. On May 29, 2007, just a few minutes before 3 am, the doctor approached us and said that since 12 am, my lolo’s condition was getting unstable and he stopped responding to the treatments. After that, he was gone. Nobody suspected that 2007 will be his last year. He was doing great before he left California, but then, circumstances like this can’t be avoided. It’s harsh but that’s life. So there, he passed away a day after finally got to visit him.

The wake lasted for about 3 days and my aunt’s from the states came for the funeral. That seemed to be the longest week of my life.

A few days after Taytay was laid to rest, a thought kept bothering me. Actually, it’s still bothering me. I know my lolo was asking about me when he was still in Paete General Hospital. I was not able to visit him there. Yes, what a useless granddaughter I was! Then, when I got the chance to do so, he decided to move on. I keep on wondering if he was only waiting for me.

Have you ever heard people say that their sick relative died after his/her birthday, or after his/her loved ones from far away places came to visit him/her, like he/she was only waiting for something or someone before they move on to the next life? Is it a Pinoy thing or what? Anyway, this idea is still haunting me.

I miss you Tay!


Quote: “One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it's worth watching.”

Mood:


*Photo by: JOCELYN HOBBIE